312. Two things: Mini for Many mini dress & untamed, unorganized thoughts on negativity, hateful things, and trying not to excuse myself or be my own hagiographer
May 5th, 2010 § 22 Comments
I don’t know how to start. Easy stuff first: I first heard of Mini for Many from Erin of Calivintage, whose fashion pulse is way more current and with it than I will ever be, and I’m so glad I now own this little loose, stripe dress from Mini for Many because it’s made impeccably with such good, quality fabric, unlike anything I’ve ever stupidly bought from these fast fashion chains (is it all right to refer to Urban Outfitters, F21, et. al as ‘fast fashion’? I’m just stealing lexicon from Minh-ha and Mimi of Threadbared.) The heavy cotton fabric is especially good for the windy days of Spring because it doesn’t fly up over my head when I cross the street, and it would have been nice to own this dress three years ago when I was living in windy San Francisco and regularly apologizing to mothers for traumatizing their children with my buttcheeks.
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The days here are warm and windy, and then at night it gets cold and rains a little, and then the next day it looks like night by the time it’s 2pm and is cold all day, and then the next day it’s warm and windy again and then repeat. Today was sunny, but I felt a little dark because someone stole some of the paper and mat boards I had bought for a bookbinding project. It makes me sad because the stuff was kind of pricey, and because these books were for my mom and my three best friends, and now I have to start all over again. Even though I’m sure someone took it just to take it, I couldn’t help but think of all these other things that may or may not be related. Like the desire to take someone down a notch. Or the feeling of not knowing someone but knowing them just enough to envy them and suspect their life is unfairly perfect and wishing something bad would happen to them, just once. Or girl on girl hatred, and really, hatred in general has been on my mind, especially since I insist on torturing myself by listening to NPR report on how the Latino community is ‘taking revenge’ by boycotting Arizona businesses. (Uh, what the fuck? Why is it okay to belittle political protest by calling it ‘revenge?’ Does that mean Rosa Parks and the Montgomery bus boycotts in the fifties were just black people wanting to ‘take revenge’?)
I’ve been thinking about hate and how to respond to it ever since I read Natalie’s blog post, “You can’t bully me out of my skinny jeans,” (via this Threadbared post by Minh-ha,) which was a response to the Facebook group “There’s a weight limit on leggings and skinny jeans,” that posted and made fun of a picture of Natalie (looking super fine) in skinny jeans. Like Minh-ha, I’m most moved and impressed by the way Natalie responded to the vitriolic, hateful spirit of this Facebook group, which was not to lob personal attacks back at the members of the Facebook, but instead she called for more self-love, acceptance, sister solidarity, discussion, and awareness of the societal forces that condition and teach us to feel dissatisfied with ourselves and ashamed of our appearance (how many times have we thought: Oh, she’s too fat for that outfit,) our personality (or: Why does she have to be so loud/aggressive/angry/bitchy/cold?) and our confidence (She thinks she’s so great but she’s not.)
With blogging, I know that it’s inevitable to receive some (or a lot) of negative comments. You know the kind–mean spirited comments left anonymously about how you suck/don’t look good in that outfit/are so vain that it’s sickening/are not original at all/etc. And I know the most common response is of the ‘People who leave nasty comments are just jealous and have nothing better to do with their time,’ ilk. Honestly, that’s the least insightful response, but maybe the easiest because it allows you to file away anyone who says nasty things as someone who is just an awful, bad person, someone who belongs in a different category than yourself who is a good person, who does have better things to do with your time. It makes sense that’s the most common reaction since we live in a world where everyone says, “I’m not racist,” and yet racism undeniably exists so where are these racists?
I think Natalie is so crazy smart because instead of dehumanizing the members of the Facebook group who tried to dehumanize her, she magnanimously acknowledges that people attack others not because they are evil and have a rotten soul, but because this kind of negativity is built into the structure of our society in order to support and enforce the structures of sexism, racism, homophobia, capitalism, economic and social inequality of every kind. Natalie writes:
It’s a foundation that benefits business, not people, and it suits the beauty, fashion and weight loss industries to have every day people like you and I reinforcing arbitrary beauty standards that help shift units so people can feel better about themselves by putting other people down, therefore reinforcing arbitrary beauty standards (stop me before I get sucked into this infinite loop here guys).
The problem with the ‘anyone who is hateful is just a horrible, pathetic, sad person with nothing better to do than be jealous of others’ response is that it creates two discrete categories: jealous, unhappy, people who spend all their time trolling blogs, and happy, well-adjusted, unbelievably beneficent people who never commit crimes of judgment. Guess which category most people think they are not in? But it’s not like that. The world is not composed of Sexists and Not sexists. Racists and Not racists. Oppressors and Not Oppressors. Creating these categories allow us to disregard the reality of a society that encourages hatred and hierarchies and inequality, as well as the sobering and formidable responsibility we all share in changing this world for the better. There’s not a lot to admire about silencing discussion (see: everytime a person of color speaks up about an experience of racism and the flurry of ‘get over it,’ ‘why is she/he so angry,’ ‘shouldn’t you be more worried about the dying babies in Africa,’ ‘I think you have a horrible attitude,’ ‘I don’t see what’s so terrible about that,’ ‘well, I’m certainly not a racist and I feel really unjustly attacked!’ comments. Or just see this Threadbared round-up of crazily close-minded comments to bloggers critiquing fashion’s appropriation of Native American culture and clothing, or just see the “Cultural Appropriation” Bingo Card (created by Elusis)):
I wonder if in order to get to a more interesting and fruitful discussion about anything, if we have to resist the temptation to dismiss anger, criticism, and negativity. I can’t even begin to express how much I admire that Natalie did just that in her response to the Facebook group that mocked her. How was she able to be so thoughtful and smart and positive and open when she could have easily just called out the members of this vile Facebook group for being a bunch of pathetic assholes?
I wonder how often we are willing to ask ourself: what if the person who left a negative comment isn’t a horrible, pathetic, sad person? Then what do we make of their hateful comment, and how can we reconcile that hatred if we can’t conveniently file that person away as an extraordinarily pathetic loser? Many of my close friends have expressed views to me that are incredibly racist and/or sexist, all the while being a friend to me, someone with whom I share my hopes and dreams and fears. In my case, I don’t have the option to dehumanize my friend, or at least, I don’t want to take that option. I can’t dismiss my friend as just an evil person out to harm me. But I am interested in what allows a friend of mine to say something like, ‘Oh Asian girls are so high maintenance and materialistic,’ while praising me for being so grounded and focused. How do my friends see me? And how do I see them? And what do I choose not to see, and why?
I guess negative blog comments and fancy bookbinding paper that go missing overnight are not extraordinary things to consider in the scope of all the things in the world that we can be considering, but I think of Apollinaire and “Meditation at Lagunitas,” and the belief that everything is connected–the little bits of dust we kick up with our shoes can be as holy as it is negligible, and if I believe the numinous exists in the trivial, then I think it’s okay to try and understand hate from this little corner of my blogging world. I’ll try to follow a stricter narrative path next time, but no promises on cutting down on excessive comma placement.
Love, Jenny
This is so brilliant! And your prose, as ever, is so beautiful.
wow… I feel for Natalie… I admire people who put forth their identities and open up their souls on the Internet becuase there’s so much hatred (and jealousy) from ANONYMOUS COWARDS. I get a lot of hate comments on my blog from people who call me a f–king poser (oh SHIT!! I’m gonna cry!!! LOL!) and accuse me of being racist against white people. LOL!!! I just laugh it off. Keep smiling and WAVE to the haters! That’s my motto.
By the way, everyone has the right to wear what they want. It always makes me laugh how people are so obsessed and waste their energy making up a stupid Facebook group just to mock a woman’s fashion choices. Get a life.
People should focus their energy on something that they should be angry about, like politics, racism, sexism, homophobia, global warming, etc… and not over dumb, petty issues.
you asked this question: “I wonder how often we are willing to ask ourself: what if the person who left a negative comment isn’t a horrible, pathetic, sad person? Then what do we make of their hateful comment, and how can we reconcile that hatred if we can’t conveniently file that person away as an extraordinarily pathetic loser?”
Yes, they ARE pathetic losers. People who feel the need to leave hate comments and attack others for their appearances, are just shallow and demonstrate their own jealousy and insecurity. If I don’t like someone, I ignore them. Just like if I don’t like someone’s blog, I ignore them and will never visit their site again. I have very good self-esteem, I love myself, I’m not jealous of others, and I don’t leave hate comments on anyone’s blog. I might criticize them but I always do so in a respectful manner.
(sorry for the long comment)
BTW, that Bingo chart is awesome. A must-have for every anti-racism activist on the Internet. Thanks, I’m saving that photo.
How are you so smart, hot, stylish, thoughtful AND ALSO SUCH A GOOD FRIEND/CO-BLOGGER? Blows my mind. Love you to pieces, J.
it was good for me to have stopped and taken a moment out of my time to read this post. i’ve been thinking a lot about how to address personal attacks on me and my blog and it’s been a challenge to step back and calm down before i react with anger or retaliation. i appreciate your commentary and it definitely motivates me to find the more constructive and positive spin when dealing with it! also, i really need to start reading threadbared more often!
Um. You look beautiful– I love this ensemble. Your take on hegemony, well, it was stunningly accurate and insightful, all while being a pleasure to read!!! Wow.
this was such a wonderful post to read after a two week hiatus from the blog world. you are, as ever, insightful, eloquent and most beautiful. xox
Hi, long time reader, first time replyer; I ply things repeatedly. My name is Sam, I’m from Canada. I just want to say re: 3rd pic, are you packing heat down there? TURTLE SNAP.
For cereal, semiotics pseudo-nerd that I am, re: bloggers be hatin’, it’s like, you have to assume, if anything, that they understand the inherent structure of transmission, that of easy TURTLE SNAPS, with an easy ethical/identity-performative separation from the RL “I”, and without the necessary recourse to defend one’s speech if called on because it’s the interbuttz, with its prominent trolling culture treated as acceptable and the semantic ambiguity in a non-reply. So like, you are given just a little booger of hate smeared on your face (or as a 2nd person observing the smearing on someone else), without context of which we use to judge someone’s character (your friends are friends because you know that that person, given the context of your knowing and their knowing of your knowing, is not a complete douchenozzle, TO YOU). They haven’t given you any textual evidence for you to think otherwise. Why invent context for them when they are too lazy to provide any for you? I mean, why invent ways to see them differently so to reflect your own potential ugliness? Why not take the exact other route of self-definition by defining yourself by looking at things that you do not do on the interbuttz, by not being a hateful imp? I’m saying all that because it can be equally damaging/blinding to not account for the agency and choice behind the expression of hate. You feel hate, they ENACT hate. Huge diffy. Like stiffy, under your dress. Penis aside aside, bad people are not worth the mental energy to even think about them; love is finite, spend it on awesome people. Like I dunno, THE OBIT OF A DEAD AWESOME PERSON. But really, I just want you to tell me the manu is awesome. And I have a job interview in 6 hrs and can’t sleep.
I’m about to graduate with a Master’s in Chicano Studies, and I find your post eerily relevant to a lot of the discourse going on in my department lately. I’m also really pleased to see how well you mix fashion, writing, cultural consciousness and political awareness in one place.
Thanks, I am now a faithful follower of your blog.
Negative comments are so hard because more often than not, replying just feeds them, but when you can do something clever and humorous like this that shows you’re not too emotional about it, I think it works. Good for her! i really like your mix of patterns in your look!
I love that jacket, by the way.
Your words made me think, because while I haven’t received negative comments on my blog, I do worry about if/when they will come and how it will affect me. I was very much in the line of “anonymous negative & cruel commentators are completely unnecessary and worthy of nothing but dismissal” thinking, but now I’m considering more options to respond with effective emotions and points.
Your coat is awesome and looks so cool paired with the bright dress.
Lulu Letty
i think you eloquently put into words something i’ve been trying really hard to articulate for sometime now – we’re all in this together, and it is our world to live in. it’s our responsibility to make it better, and the first step towards that is frank discussion and understanding. thank you!
Jenny:
You are my hero! I’m speechless, and sister, you are just swell.
Love, love, love,
Gina
This outfit is one of my favourites of yours, ever.
I really appreciated this post. I was linked in an article in Jezebel a couple of weeks ago that talked about bloggers with ‘perfect lives’ who made people feel ‘inadequate.’ It was actually an interesting article, although I think it revealed more about the writer than it did about the blogs she targeted.
I have friend that experienced the same thing with Natalie, but it’s not about her clothes, it is about drinking coffee at starbucks. And people are really saying nasty words on her picture. What she did is she just laugh it off. And she said thank you to the person who uploaded her picture in that fan page. I just hope that those people that are doing this will realize what they are doing is not something to be proud about.
I absolutely love this post – and coincidentally Natalie’s post too. She’s so amazing for replying so diplomatic! Though I try to do this myself all the time, be aware that people are people and have detailed backgrounds with their own personal history that cans sometimes be painful, sometimes be careless, I know I often fail. I think Natalie has had to deal with things like this before and just to save her energy and sanity she’s had no choice but to think about it thoroughly and and realise everyone is his own person, plus society inflicts them to often think this way.
Also love your outfit! Those sandals with socks are just too cute, the colours of that dress are amazing and I love the pairing of those two different prints!
I’m so glad to read your pondering on the issue of girl on girl hate and fashion policing, and it’s wonderful to be connected with so many great bloggers who also think about these things!
This is such a great post Jenny! I totally agree with all of it. Before I started posting pictures to wardrobe_remix, I did snark it at sometimes and laugh at some outfits I thought were unflattering or just too out there. But at the same time I admired the courage of people for putting themselves out there and making themselves vulnerable by declaring that they thought they were worthy of admiring gazes, even if they (and their sense of style) didn’t fit what was accepted by the mainstream.
I think when we’re offended or upset by somebody, it’s really easy, like you say, to think of the situation in us versus them instead of taking a more empathetic (and difficult) approach. I also think Natalie’s response was amazing. It takes a lot of guts and wisdom to stand back from a situation in which tons of people tried to take you down in a very personal way and look at the societal paradigms that back up their behavior instead of just saying “oh, they’re just jealous and spiteful trolls!”
BTW I love your stripes and dots combo, and I’m sorry your bookbinding supplies got stolen!
Thank you so much for writing this post and for your openness and frankness in your discussion. It prompted me to look at Natalie’s blog (and report that facebook group). I’m shocked so often at woman v woman hating. It seems to pointless to me and yet somehow it’s so ingrained. That’s part of why I left academia to pursue, well, a more frivolous profession. I made the most amazing friends with mature, intelligent, and wonderful women while in grad school but still had to deal with the horrendous bullshit of having other women spread nasty rumors about me or try to discredit my research for reasons based on projected insecurities and not on my own academic merit.
When it comes down to it, negative attention is nothing anyone wants. It’s hurtful, plain and simple. And it’s really difficult not to internalize it. At the end of the day, I find, that it’s better to pour your energy into focusing on the positive interactions you have (even if they’re born from starting a dialogue based on passive-aggressive bullshit attacks) because those are the ones that are ultimately worthy of your time.
On a related but separate note, I was very intrigued by Bitch’s commentary on cultural appropriations and their “bingo” card. My first job out of grad school was as a journalist and advocate for indigenous rights. I facepalm anytime I open a blog and find a “photo essay” or “lookbook” filled with models sporting another culture’s religious symbols as ‘accessories.’
another cute little dress.
This article was so insightful — thanks for sharing this with everyone. You are spot on with your points. I’m definitely bookmarking this site!